Monday, January 5, 2015

New Year's Ruminations

Happy 2015!

I hope y'all had a good one, filled with grand adventures, piles of beer, and mountains of groupies.

By the way, do yourselves, and the world, a favor, and refrain from doing a Google Image search on "Piles of Women".  Dear God, the things one can't unsee . . .

I know, right?  What the hell, internets.

I had a pretty sweet holiday myself, ladies and gentlemen.  I ended up getting in some killer Winter beach time, spending more than a week on the deceptively named "Isle of Women" down by Cancun.  The weather was great and the food and beers were in abundance, but I gotta say, with a name like that, I was kind of expecting to be chased around by topless women on roller skates or something.  I mean, it's not like the place was called "Isle of People Hanging Out at the Beach and Listening to Bad Spanish Pop Music", amiright?

Although, upon further sexy reflection, I guess "Isla de Personas Colgando en la Playa y Escuchar Mala Música Pop Española" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

Be that as it may, I had good times with good friends, had some beers, and successfully tanned myself to a delightful shade of luggage. I have a ways to go until I can claim to have mastered the art of Lovecraftian Bronzing, though. I need some tips from this lady:

Elder Ones, indeed.

Nevertheless, here we are, now in the nascent stages of what looks to be a delicious 2015.  It's gonna be an interesting year, dear reader.  I have the Norway Rager in April already lined up, with other exploits sure to occur.  Also, the Fall of next year will be when I start gearing up for a new round of job searching (see past year's tales of whoa here!  First cheap plug of 2015!).  I am excited to see where I could find myself in 2016.  Back in Asia?  Sexy Europe?  Sexier Eastern Europe?  Craigslist?  The possibilities are endless.  Will I be a VP somewhere else?  Some kind of Dean?  The guy who fixes the Slurpee machine?  Maybe I can get the role of aging, bitter gigolo.


I have also made lots of progress in plotting out my next book.  I think the three of you who bought the last one will be very pleased with it, as I am basically trying to steal from Philip K. Dick and Kurt Vonnegut, at least structurally.  The plot is gonna be interesting.  I think (Spoiler alert!)  I'm going to try to integrate my 30K word memoirs into my last two books, retcon a bunch of stuff, and make up a story where my writing has changed the course of history forever.  Or something.  It will totally be an exercise in authorial restraint, for sure.  We will see how it turns out, but I'll start writing soon, once I have it all sussed.  My goal is by this time next year to be able to say "Hey look!  I'm almost done.  And check out these abs!"

You can't prove it ISN'T me . . .

And my new review site is off and running, with a whopping 10 entries so far covering music, books, movies, and video games.  Interested in what fuels the Rage Cage?  Come check it out here!

So that's what's going on with me, you bastards.  As for you?  Well, I wanted to share some wisdom, a few dear words to guide you along the rocky path of 2015.  What's the secret to happiness?  What's the trick to leading a kick ass life?  What will make the world a better place, full stop?

Hell, I dunno.  But you know what I'd like to see change in 2015?  You know what I want to see you do, you sexy bastards?

And no, it doesn't involve Inebriation T Shirts . . .

What I want is much simpler.  Less glorious, but way better for everybody.

Stop being offended on Facebook.

And you know who you are.

(Whips on old man pants).  Maybe I'm grumpy, but it seems this was the year of the manufactured offended reaction to news bites.  The pattern is as follows:

1)  Someone posts a "real" news story on Facebook.   These do not usually involve spandex, sadly enough.  The person oftentimes posts it to show the world how ANGRY they are.  Something must be done! Bonus points if it's a personal anecdote.

2) People chime in to say how offensive the story is.

3) People argue about which side can be more offended.

4) Internet points are given out for most stricken reaction (with extra hugs for things like "I am crying as I read this", or "I couldn't even breath because of what they said")

5) Participants congratulate themselves on proving how much they care about their fellow man, as shown by how quickly they can click the "like" button.

6) Content with the knowledge that the world has been saved by their efforts, everyone then watches Youtube clips of fat people falling through things.

In their defense, that's pretty funny.

Listen, everybody (polishes monocle on old man pants). We all know the world is a pretty crappy place to be, for most people, most of the time.  People do awful things to each other.  We let each other down, we lie, steal, cut in line at theme parks, use online exploits to cheat at Smash Brothers, etc etc.  That's part of the sweet, sweet human condition.  A religious person would say it's Eve's fault, whereas I tend to lay the blame upon the fact that there aren't nearly enough gummy bears to go around.

This could end both world hunger and police brutality.

Let us try to maintain some perspective though.  It's always been that way.  It'll always be that way.  I don't know what the solution is, obviously, but I do know that when people spend hours debating these things on the internet you're not solving the problem, or even helping to fix it.  It's just adding to the white noise. Clicking "like" doesn't feed a kid, or put bullets back in a gun, end silly drug laws, or save a frightened women from her shitty husband.  What it does accomplish is making the clicker feel better about themselves without having to do anything of substance at all.  It's kind of like a slacker's vision of utopia, where everyone else builds everything and all they have to do is tweet about it.

This isn't about politics, because EVERYONE, on every "side", does it.  I guess what annoys me about the internet these days is that it has become soooooooo easy for someone to rend their clothes and tear their hair out in grief publicly.  I am not impressed by strong reactions on Facebook because the whole setup is like an audition for "America's Got Feelings".

Remember the good old days, when the internet was about watching midget porn and emulating old video game systems?  Ah, the memories.  While I know those halcyon days are gone forever, it would be nice to recapture that wide eyed innocence again.  Not everything has to be a belief statement.  And, sometimes, at the end of the day, we just wanna watch fat people fall through  a store.

                         Goddamn that's funny.

BE the change, people!  

Happy New Years!