Thursday, January 19, 2012

So Far I

Two tickets to the gun show.

So I am back from my epic safari rager, dear reader.  It was quite the journey, filled with wonderful sights, sounds, occasional smells, and lots of jolting.  I wore the same pair of shorts for 7 days across two different countries. I was nearly killed by an angry hippopotamus.  I woke up one day with random wounds on my face, head, and neck.  A Masai warrior asked if he could friend me on Facebook.

It was truly an adventure for the ages.

I have hundreds of photos, mostly of my own increasingly tanned legs.  Since Congo has the slowest internet I have ever seen (and I once tried to download Rocky VI whilst living in Burma, for God’s sake), uploading pictures would be nigh impossible.  You can check my Facebook page to bask in the awesomeness.  Rather than bore you with tedious details (or, preferably, make you all jealous of my globe-trotting thunder), I will use my  writing prowess to sum up the experience:

It was just like the Lion King.

Without the rhythm.

I discovered some things on this trip, though.  Universal truths, glimpses into the reality behind the shadowlands we walk during our waking hours, like those funny credits embedded at the end of the Naked Gun movies.  Without further ado, here is my list of things I learned on safari. 

1)  Do not try to go through immigration in Tanzania with a severe case of safari eye, dirty clothes, a festering gash on your neck, and beer sweats.

2)  Safari beer is one of the greatest drinks ever.

3)  When returning to your hotel in Zanzibar at 2 am, if you decide to walk along the beach, try to remember how tides work.  And don’t wear pants.

4)  Don’t get into a staring contest with an African water buffalo.  Not only do they give the least amount of a fuck I have ever seen, they give it while standing in a herd of hundreds equally not giving a fuck.  Unnerving, to say the least.

5)  If you truly want to be at one with nature while on safari, bring earplugs (or an ipod with your favorite Agalloch cd).  Otherwise, you are treated to the sounds of dozens of cameras whirring, digital phones beeping to themselves, engines revving, drivers talking with each other, and tourists insulting everyone else but themselves for being tourists.

6)  A sunrise against the backdrop of Mt. Kilimanjaro makes the whole experience worth it.  If I believed in a deity other than my own biceps, I would offer up a prayer of thanks.  And also probably ask him for some new shirts.

I hope you enjoyed this glimpse into my vacation- a safari teaser, if you will.  I will share some more stories later in addition to updating you on the status of my mystery neck wound soon.  I hope everyone had a great winter/new year's/whatever it is that wiccans do.  If not, come have a "feel better" beer.  Or two- I have so many cases of beer now my housekeeper is giving me the judging eye.